9 M O N T H S of Dash

I am terrible and I haven't written down a single thing noting Dash's development in MONTHS. So now I am back to writing about my clever baby! Are you so excited!? I will go back in time and publish months 6, 7 and 8 too but with a sprinkle of creativity because I can't even remember last week. 

Dash at nine months old is still a ham. He loves attention, he loves being silly, he loves getting scared and tickled and sung to and wrestled with and chased. He'll scream bloody murder in his cot and then I'll pick him up and he'll start laughing. 

When he's sad or hurting or particularly cranky he will cry and he cries mmuuummm.. Maaammmaaaa! but get him to say Mama on the regular? not a chance. Dada however... It's his favourite word. 

Dash crawls. He crawls fast and hard and for as long as he can. My Dad came over the other day (Poppy is still favourite) and he was standing at the door putting his shoes on ready to leave. Dash was playing on the floor in my office and decided to investigate Poppy. He saw that open door and his Poppy walking away and he ran as fast as he could. And by ran I mean crawled but really, really fast. 

Dash inherited some crappy genes, its true. But he also inherited the European genes I have been cursed with. We love food. and by love I mean we will eat and eat and eat and then go to be with no regrets, just dreams of more food. His Doctors can't believe the amount and variety of the food he eats. 

We started feeding him with the philosophy that we would give him whatever we ate. No specially made baby food and as little cutlery as possible. Dash has accepted everything I have put in front of him, he has an exceptional gag reflex and a determined spirit. So much so that he will now happily eat an entire sausage for lunch, with some tomatoes and scrambled eggs on the side. 

I think I will write a whole separate post about food cause I could talk baby diets all dang day. 

Dash's fave toys are the singing bear/puppy thing, the singing/flashing/moving tonka trucks, the talking/singing/light up controller, the songs on the activity centre.... do you detect a theme? I'm considering ear plugs. 

We've recently started watching ABC kids in the morning. His face when he hears the Thomas the Tank engine song. I can't even. We went to Westmead yesterday (again another post for another day) and he tried his nebuliser for the first time. The nurses warned me that we wouldn't be able to get the strap over his head because he would scream. We went to put it on him and he made no complaints. He made it through the entire ten minute treatment quite calmly, even smiling! It's not because we have a super baby, it's because Nick played the Thomas the Tank engine theme song on Youtube for him. 8 times in a row. 

Dashie cruises furniture, interacts with strangers (because surely, the world revolves around him!) aaaaaalmost weighs 10kg, is very into giving kisses (with teeth), usually has avocado somewhere on his face or head (see above) and obviously has taken over our lives. In the best most wonderful way you could imagine. 

Monthly baby brag over. 

Super thrilling day in the life!

it's February 9!

Get yourself a nice big old glass of $5 Aldi merlot and let me tell you about my February 9.

February 9 started at 6.30am with a little bit of protesting coming from down the hall. Not too loud though because this suuuper tired Mama didn't even plug in the baby monitor/microphone last night. All was well, in case you were worried.

We made our usual avocado on toast, I thoroughly enjoyed the first three sips of my soy latte (the only ones I ever take) and Dash waited very patiently for his meds and breakfast. We played together on the floor, Nick and I lying like sloths and Dash crawling over us like we were an obstacle course, bless him. Dashie soon went back to bed and since Nick had the day off I thought, heck, I'm going back too!

For 20 minutes.

Until my phone yelled at me and there was my father, the wardrobe installer, plumbing supplier and kitchen company all demanding this or something other. I dragged my scraggly bottom out of bed and into the office and then out of the office and onto to site where I found the power was on! But the light switches weren't wired correctly and the sink was the wrong way around! Not to worry though because all of the mornings problems were sorted by 11am.

Which was when I rushed home and thought shit! We've got to leave for the hospital in an hour and I haven't packed and I haven't showered and its Dashiell's 9 month Birthday so I need to take a cutesy 9 months on the outside photo! As seen below.

Miracle of miracles, we made it out the door on time, stopped to pick up a snapple for Mum, a Powerade for Dad, a yoghurt for Dash and some chewy for the Drs cause we all forgot to brush our teeth.

We cruised into the Canberra children's hospital with 10 mins of instagramming time to spare. I used it wisely. We then found our little room with DD on the door and made ourselves at home.

Dash weighed in at 9.8kg which is so good! But also! You don't even know how much I will celebrate when he hits 10kg.

Cue physio - more time banging on chest while lying horizontal

Cue social worker - Centrelink form nightmares, marriage counselling, general woe is me conversations

Cue gastroenterologist - poops are fine

Cue geneticist - please arrange tests for my family to see which blasted side is responsible

Cue dietician - yay for Dash!

Cue paediatrician - chest ok, stethoscope ticklish, more meds, book in annual review

Annual review!!!!

We're 3 months off our annual review which means many things but mostly it means we will have a ONE year old in three months and that we will celebrate by putting our baby under, taking lots of his blood, clearing out and taking a good look at his lungs and x-raying them while we're there.

We will also celebrate with a cake in the shape of Lenny the sloth.

Finally we were finished with wretched hospital! on the way out we babble about today's outcomes, beam at our deliciously healthy Son, make a bee line for the mall so we can feed out empty bellies. At the mall we run into god mother! God mother has agreed to have a sleep over at our house tomorrow because...

We're doing clinic all over again.

In two days.

In Sydney.

Now it is 8.30pm on February 9 and I am sitting in Dash's nursery marvelling that it's only taken the baby angel an hour to fall asleep in his cot.

Cue $5 Aldi wine

Cue MKR on my phone because I missed it live

Cue no packing/cleaning

Cue bath and snore fest.

January few things

Few things that have been trying desperately to get out of my brain and into a blog post;

1. Making a Murderer. Dinner table conversation from now until the end of time. Tell me your thoughts.

2. The January feels are strong.

Every January I am blessed with these feelings of new beginnings and urges for organisation and decluttering and new stationary and a better tan.

I want to be a better person, live in a cleaner, more organised home, I want to smash savings goals and business goals in one fell swoop.

Some things I have decided in this January brainstorm:

• No more Carlile Design Co. It may be enjoyable but it's not an efficient use of my time. I'm sad about it, promise. I will be doing things for family and friends cause I am still so passionate about it but I won't be starting up a business any time soon.
• Coast trip every three weeks to reboot, surf, relax, inhale salty air etc. 
• Schedules for everything! Daily routines, weekly activities, meals, date nights, the whole dang year is on my wall and we are sticking to it for the sake of our sanity. Rules and boundaries and limits and things that you take for granted when you're at school/work outside the home.
• Declutter! Throw out all the shit! Throw out all the things I hoard for the future, those clothes I hate, those old towels we don't use! I am making lovely progress here. 
• I'm going to be the business woman I know I can be.

I could go on but I will spare you. Basically, this year is going to be huge and busy and chaotic like most other years but I want to stick to two things; 

One - Live simply

Two - This quote I found in one of my summer reads "the secret to a good life is to bring your A game to everything you do. Even is all you're doing is taking out garbage, you do that with excellence.'

3. I have those blog feels again and I might even have some time for it now that I am not taking on more design work. I want to blog our CF life, our regular life, our adventures in baby making (not what you're thinking, get your mind out of the gutter) and all of the thoughts that are taking up too much room in my mind. 

4. There is a fucking rooster next door. I'm not kidding. And what do I do? I don't want to be that person who complains to council and I'm not one for strangling roosters or even setting them free! Maybe I should drop Muggsy over the fence? Rooster would probably win. I'm waiting for someone else to complain but it seems my other neighbours are either deaf or share my position. I suppose I could kindly ask the neighbour what they are doing with a rooster anyhow...

5. January holiday snaps. 

That one girl who made a scene at the Santa photos...

I'll tell you, life has been rough for a couple of weeks.  I have the tendency to get anxiety and depression, it's in my veins. I've had panic attacks and severe anxiety and so many yuck thoughts. But I haven't felt them in a looooong time! Until two weeks ago! It hit me like a freight train and consumed me and I was in a hole and couldn't see out!

I decided we had to go and get santa photos one day, right in the thick of it. I put my face on and curled my hair and threw on a skirt and adopted the mantra fake it til you make it! And then we went to the mall. And we saw the big man, such a friendly Santa by the way. Dashiell pulled his beard and lost all of his smiles and Nick and I sat beside him, while he sat on Santa's lap and made all of the faces and fart noises we could. We looked at the photos after and I got all sweaty! And not because we got suckered in to paying $50 for them. I looked terrible! I freaked out and couldn't cope and made Nick deal with. I saw people standing in line looking at me strangely so I turned my attention to Dash and tried to act normal.

We went to get lunch after that. Nick was talking about something or other and I then I couldn't breathe. I had rocks in my belly and weight on my shoulders and lumps in my throat and tears in my eyes for days. My lips were shut tight and my eyes vacant. I curled up in a ball on the floor and just cried for a whole night one Friday.

You're probably thinking what on earth is wrong with you girl!? I'd tell you it's probably a mix of post natal depression and post traumatic stress from Dash's diagnosis. Which actually sounds a little bit dramatic... but I do feel traumatised so whatever. For the most part I get along fine and think nothing of it and I talk to my Mum friends and pretend Dash is just like the other babes. And then I talk to a CF Mum about all the things I could be doing that I'm not and I get calls from the hospital saying, yes Dash has a cold virus but also he has two different bacterial infections and he needs a different course of antibiotics for two weeks and then I just want to ccrrryyyy.

So many things has happened in these two weeks though. We are looking into switching Dash's care arrangements. The Santa photo really isn't that bad... We're putting up gyprock in the houses we're building! I got my brows done at browlab today. I'm joining the damn gym! I've already been to two classes and I am feeeeeeeeling it. I went out to dinner last night. Alone. I met with a wonderful CF Mum and I didn't have the slightest hint of butterflies. Not even caterpillars, I was a picture of confidence. I'm making tracks with my design work. I've made TWO weaves AND finished the Christmas shopping. We've put up our tree, and a mini one in Dash's room too. We've strung up Christmas lights and we're trying to reflect and feel peaceful and jolly at the same time.

I'm still a sensitive soul today but life is looking up. I making progress in looking after myself. I am going to feel okay about it all one day and I am going to give my Son the happiest life I can.

He's seven months old all of a sudden. Sitting up and crawling away from me and things. I'm fine with it, I swear.

Also these teeth.

Making things all cozy and merry and bright. I need to put our names on these stockings!

That Christmas photo. Dash looks like someone slapped him with a fish. He was happy, I swear. 

I really do love my day job. 

I will blog a seven month update soon! And a five and six month update too... and then some Christmas decorating!

Happy weekend!

On feeling heavy

I'm feeling the weight of things this week. I feel all heavy and sad and cranky and I hate it. I don't want to be that person! But then I think maybe I need to feel all the things sometimes and just let it all out. 

Lucky you, you get to take it because sometimes it's easier talking to no one in particular rather than an old friend or a new friend or a Mum friend or a Husband or mother, you know?

We had clinic last Monday and I was that Mum who just showed up, no questions in hand. Baby is so fine and well! What questions could I possibly have to ask? I had none. I did have Nick with me for the first time in months though so I was feeling pretty confident that we'd just ace it and walk away. 

We found our friend from the CF Association there! And a new physio! and a few of our other team members who we haven't seen in a while. A few things from clinic that have me; 

CF Association put us in touch with other CF families, finally! Different physio recommended different schedule/techniques. I open up more to the social worker then I do to the paediatrician (not surprising). Gastroenterologist and dietician on different pages. Clinic took five entire hours, plus some. Paediatrician had a cold? I thought surely allergies? No. A cold, and no mask. 

Now more things:

Getting in touch with other CF mums has thrown me for six. They go to a different hospital entirely because there is better care available for our kids. How was this a thing I didn't know about? They use more preventative methods and medicines. Am I causing my son damage because I've had my head in the sand about this? They're all over the diet, the keeping away of germs, the proactive approach. They're ahead of us by at least a year but I still feel so many things. Mostly terrible things. I even feel guilty justifying that, I feel like I should just be there with them, doing all the best things for our son. 

Tears. 

Last Tuesday afternoon Dash started getting his first cold! A six month old with his first cold might be pretty good you say? I say not so much. We've been very good and steering away those germs. Very insistent that anyone who holds him first squirts their hands with sanitizer. 

So when I see this cold and think back to the only germy person we've been in contact with, I immediately hear alanis morrisette because isn't that ironic? 

Fast forward to yesterday. I call our head nurse and actually tell her what I am feeling. I am not one to complain or oppose or ask for more. But I did, because this is not about me. I mentioned that Dash had been sick since last week amongst the cries of 'I'm feeling very unsupported over here'. She said well bring him in! Can you be here in an hour? 

And isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've heard? Taking baby to hospital because he has a cold? An actual cold this time, I know it because the only trouble he has breathing is caused by snot. But to hospital we go for a sputum sample and thorough check because there is always a chance of something sinister growing in that mucous and the quicker we kill it the better. 

Now to all of the thoughts (yes, there's more)

why is his team providing conflicting advice? Why can I not get his creon dosage right? Why does the PBS line give my doctor a hard time for ordering repeats of our medicine? Will the other hospital be that much better? Why am I not doing more for my son? Where can I get more information? Why do I keep pretending he actually doesn't have CF? There will be no call saying this is a mistake but I am still waiting for it. What on earth do I feed my son!? Why can't I organise dinner? Why is my house already a mess after our spring clean? What will he think when he looks back at his childhood? Is giving him a sibling actually in his best interest? How will we afford to buy this sibling? I do not want to buy a baby. Why can I not get to bed before 12am?

I could go on and on and on and on and on. 

Also the girls had date night last night! I didn't go. Surprise!! I have a lump in my throat whenever I think of it. I went to watch Nick play basketball though. Dash screamed so loud the coach yelled Shoosh Dash! Seriously. I can't remember the last time I exercised. I would kill to exercise. 

NOW

Woe is me. I have a beautiful son and husband and a messy house that is full of work and opportunities and Christmas presents. I have dogs that I can walk and shoes that I can wear. I have eyeballs and a brain and can absorb information.

But still, it's the week of heavy feelings and I suppose that just has to be okay today.

tu me manques revisited

I've been working. Being Mama and Wifey and building during the day. Furiously designing and lettering and working until 10.30 - 11pm every night of the week to get the shop open, to fill orders, help other businesses. 

Most nights I think what on earth am I doing? Most mornings actually when I struggle out of bed and regret the night before. 

So here I am working away waiting for an email when I go down that rabbit hole of old photos. Then the old blogs and then I think bloooooogggg, I miss you so so so much and I am so sorry I don't make time for you because really, you bring me so much joy! Future Carly LOVES it. 

And mostly I think life is sweet. Life was sweet when I spent hours and hours blogging and crafting and worrying about what people thought of me like it was my job. Life is so sweet now with a Son and a Husband and me not giving any fucks about the thoughts that people might be thinking about me. Mostly because I know now that people have their own things to deal with and a little because hindsight and maturity and life and things. 

Anyway while wasting precious napping time reading the old blog, I came across this post I scribbled down in June last year, two months shy of the wedding and two months shy of falling pregnant. I remember feeling so fancy free hitting publish on that thing. Like oversharing was a dangerous thing and I was throwing all of the caution to the wind. I just read it again and thought guuuuurrrrllll if only you knew! If only you knew SO many things!

Do you ever look at photos and think just imagine if I could have shown myself this a month, a year, ten years ago? I have been doing this since I was a little girl. I get to a pretty sweet stage and place in my life and think if only I could have reassured myself last month or whatever that everything would be okay by showing old me a peek at new me. Like even just one of those annoying three second snaps! Just a little snippet of the future! 

These are the photos I would show myself on June 27 2014 if I could. 

Our home, filled with more love than I could have ever imagined. A happy baby boy, a Husband who adores us, two puppies who are just happy to go with the flow. Messy hair and mum jeans and the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned in my life.

That feeling of having your arms full of baby. You know the feeling? When you feel the weight of them and let your arms and your body envelope them and feel your chest rising and falling along with them and you breathe them in and think surely, there is nothing better in the world. It's a good feeling.

But mostly this photo. Because that look in his eye does something to me. Like he knows he's given me everything I have ever wanted in life. It's a special photo this one. 

I'd show this one to Carly in 2001, 2007, 2008, 2011, 2012 and 2014. At all the times when I needed it most because everything works out just fine in the end. 

Beautiful photos by the wonderful Bel Combridge Photography

The grand re opening

All the dreaming and scheming and planning and imaging could have prepared me for motherhood. I honestly thought I'd be crafting every other night with no worries cause babies nap, right? Or if the baby didn't nap, I'd put them to bed at 7pm on the dot and not see their angel faces until morning.

Then I woke up.

Dash is a wonderful baby. But he is a baby! Just taking care of the baby is a full time job! Then I have to take care of the tumbleweeds rolling down the hallways... the mountains of dirty clothing living in the laundry... the ongoing saga of the empty fridge/putting dinner on the table.

And then!

I actually have a job!

Needless to say crafting always loses and my pens are all dusty and my hands are shaky and I've forgotten all those little tricks I spent so long learning in photoshop and illustrator.

But crafting is important! Creating is essential for me so I am going to juggle and I am going to let the tumbleweeds roll a little longer and I am going to reopen the shop at the start of next month.

I open the shop because its an outlet and it forces me to produce meaningful things. This time around everything will be doubly meaningful. I will be donating 20% of all sales to the Cystic Fibrosis Association of the ACT.

And this is the first thing I wrote!

Wish me luck (I need all of it).