Thursday, December 10, 2015

That one girl who made a scene at the Santa photos...

I'll tell you, life has been rough for a couple of weeks.  I have the tendency to get anxiety and depression, it's in my veins. I've had panic attacks and severe anxiety and so many yuck thoughts. But I haven't felt them in a looooong time! Until two weeks ago! It hit me like a freight train and consumed me and I was in a hole and couldn't see out!

I decided we had to go and get santa photos one day, right in the thick of it. I put my face on and curled my hair and threw on a skirt and adopted the mantra fake it til you make it! And then we went to the mall. And we saw the big man, such a friendly Santa by the way. Dashiell pulled his beard and lost all of his smiles and Nick and I sat beside him, while he sat on Santa's lap and made all of the faces and fart noises we could. We looked at the photos after and I got all sweaty! And not because we got suckered in to paying $50 for them. I looked terrible! I freaked out and couldn't cope and made Nick deal with. I saw people standing in line looking at me strangely so I turned my attention to Dash and tried to act normal.

We went to get lunch after that. Nick was talking about something or other and I then I couldn't breathe. I had rocks in my belly and weight on my shoulders and lumps in my throat and tears in my eyes for days. My lips were shut tight and my eyes vacant. I curled up in a ball on the floor and just cried for a whole night one Friday.

You're probably thinking what on earth is wrong with you girl!? I'd tell you it's probably a mix of post natal depression and post traumatic stress from Dash's diagnosis. Which actually sounds a little bit dramatic... but I do feel traumatised so whatever. For the most part I get along fine and think nothing of it and I talk to my Mum friends and pretend Dash is just like the other babes. And then I talk to a CF Mum about all the things I could be doing that I'm not and I get calls from the hospital saying, yes Dash has a cold virus but also he has two different bacterial infections and he needs a different course of antibiotics for two weeks and then I just want to ccrrryyyy.

So many things has happened in these two weeks though. We are looking into switching Dash's care arrangements. The Santa photo really isn't that bad... We're putting up gyprock in the houses we're building! I got my brows done at browlab today. I'm joining the damn gym! I've already been to two classes and I am feeeeeeeeling it. I went out to dinner last night. Alone. I met with a wonderful CF Mum and I didn't have the slightest hint of butterflies. Not even caterpillars, I was a picture of confidence. I'm making tracks with my design work. I've made TWO weaves AND finished the Christmas shopping. We've put up our tree, and a mini one in Dash's room too. We've strung up Christmas lights and we're trying to reflect and feel peaceful and jolly at the same time.

I'm still a sensitive soul today but life is looking up. I making progress in looking after myself. I am going to feel okay about it all one day and I am going to give my Son the happiest life I can.


He's seven months old all of a sudden. Sitting up and crawling away from me and things. I'm fine with it, I swear.


Also these teeth.


Making things all cozy and merry and bright. I need to put our names on these stockings!


That Christmas photo. Dash looks like someone slapped him with a fish. He was happy, I swear. 



I really do love my day job. 

I will blog a seven month update soon! And a five and six month update too... and then some Christmas decorating!

Happy weekend!

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